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Catch - 22 II

Act II

Scene I

Yossarian brought in by the Corporal on duty (CoD).

Doctor on duty (barely looking up from the crossword puzzle): Beat it!

CoDWe can't tell him to beat it. So many of them die after e tell them to beat it.

DoD: Alright, keep him for a few days and then ask him to beat it.

Yossarian put in to a ward.

Y.: I think it is the appendix...

DoD: The appendix is no good. If it goes wrong, we can take it out and put you back on active duty but come to us with a liver and you can fool us for weeks. If you have ever eaten liver, you know what I mean.

The DoD goes off.

Next morning, a group of Doctors troop in.

Y: There is nothing wrong with the appendix. The DoD yesterday said it is my liver.
Doc 1: What DoD?
Y: I don't know.  That's what is written here.

Pause.

The Docs troop off. Soon, one Doc returns to announce Yossarian could be discharged. Just as they begin t wheel off Y., another patient suddenly cries out.

Patient: I see everything twice.

The Doctors run to attend. Nurses rush with all kinds of equipment. Soon, one Doctor extricates himself from the group, thoughtfully. Slowly, the rest did the same.

Doc: Quarantine everyone.

Nurse walks in.

Nurse: There are some people here to see you. They've traveled all the way from New York to see a dying soldier.
Y: What are you talking about? I am not dying.
N: Well, you are the handiest one we've got. Everyone is dying. Where the devil else do you think everyone is heading towards?
Y: They didn't come to see me. They came to see their son or ...
N: They'll have to take what they get. I will make a deal with you. You let them see you and I will not tell anyone that you lied about your liver symptoms.
Y: You knew?
N: If you keep grabbing at every nurse's tits every time they get near you, few will be convinced that you have a liver problem.
Y: But they came to see their son.
N: They won't notice the difference.
Y: Suppose they start crying?
N: They will start crying. That is what they have come for.
Y: It is so crazy. What do they want to watch their son die for, anyway?
N: All you've to do is lie and die for a few seconds.
Y: All right. If it is only for a few minutes. Say, why don't you wrap a bandage around me for good effect?
N: That sounds like a splendid idea.

Nurse goes out. Visitors walk in cautiously, looking around. Finally they stand at the side of Yossarian's bed.
Silence. Yossarian coughs. 
Silence. Yossarian grunts and shifts in the bed.
Pause.
Pa: He looks terrible.
Son: He is sick, Pa.
Ma; Giuseppe.
Y: My name is Yossarian.
Son: His name is Yossarian, Ma. Yossarian, don't you recognize me? I am your brother, John.
Y: Sure I do. You are my brother John.
Son: He does recognize me. Say hello to Pa.
Y: Hello, Pa.
Pa: Hello, Giuseppe.
Son: His name s Yossarian, Pa.
Pa: I can't get over how terrible he looks.
Son: He's sick, Pa. The Doctors say he is going to die.
Pa: I didn't know whether to believe the Doctor or not.
Ma: Giuseppe.
Son: His name is Yossarian, Ma. She doesn't remember things so well. How are they treating you here, kid? Are they treating you pretty good?
Y: Pretty good.
Son: That's good. Just don't let anyone push you around. You've got rights even if you're an Italian.

Yossarian winces.

Pa; See how terrible he looks?
Son: He's very sick, Pa.
Ma: Giuseppe.
Son: His name is Yossaria. Ma.
Y: That's alright. She can call me Giuseppe if she wants to.
Ma: Giuseppe.
Son: Don't worry, Yossarian. Everything's going to be alright.
Y: Don't worry, Ma. Everything's going to be alright.
Son: Did you have a priest?
Y: (Winces) Yes.
Son: That's good. Just as long as you get everything you've got coming to you. We have come all the way from New York just to see...
Y: See what? The Priest.
Son: No, to see you dying...properly.
Y: What difference would it make?
Son: We didn't want you to die by yourself.
Y: What difference would it make?
Son: He must be getting delirious.

Pause.

Ma: That is funny. That is really funny. All the time I thought his name was Giuseppe and now I find out it is Yossarian.

Yossarian winces and moans.

Son: Ma, say something to make him happy, make him feel good.
Ma: Giuseppe.
Son: Ma, his name is Yossarian.
Ma: What difference does it make? He is dying.

Yossarian winces and moans louder. They draw themselves up to leave.

Pa: Giuseppe.
Son: Yossarian.
Pa: Yossarian.
Y: Giuseppe.
Pa: Soon you're going to die. 

Yossarian winces and moans again.

Pa: When you talk to the man upstairs, tell him all this has got to stop, all this dying business...it's been going on for a long time, you know.
Son: And don't let anyone push around up there. You're as good as anybody up there even though you're an Italian.
Ma: Dress warm.

Fade lights.

Scene II

Aarfy: Why should I risk getting into trouble just to help her out?

Y: Alright, tell her to say "Uncle".

All: Say Uncle.

Nately's whore: Uncle.

All: No, say Uncle.

Nately's whore: Uncle.

All: No, no, say Uncle.

Nately's whore: Uncle.

Y: She still does not understand.

Aarfy: You still don't understand, do you? We can't really make you say Uncle unless you really don't want to say Uncle. Don't you see? Don't say Uncle when I tell you to say Uncle, Okay? Say Uncle

Nately's whore: Uncle.

Aarfy: No, don't say Uncle. Say Uncle.

Silence.

Y: That's good.

Aarfy: That's very good.

All: It's a start. Now say Uncle.

Nately's whore: Uncle.

Aarfy: No, it's no good that way either. She just isn't impressed with us. There's just no fun making her say Uncle. There's just no fun making her say Uncle when she doesn't care whether we make her say Uncle or not.

Y: No, she doesn't really care, does she? say 'foot'.

Nately's whore: Foot.

Aarfy: You see? She doesn't care about us. We don't mean anything to you, do you?

Nately's whore: Uncle.

Scene III


 Coming soon...



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